New Leaps And Landings…(my first blog post)

The first time Jack asked me what color I wanted the bedroom painted, I was honest when I said I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a different shade of lavender or sage green. And Lord knows I don’t make decisions too quickly…

But, by the third or fourth time he asked me – which was sometime at the beginning of 2013 – I finally realized I wasn’t giving him an answer because I didn’t believe I would be staying in that house permanently and maybe not much longer. Our separation was inevitable; I think we both knew that intuitively, unless a true miracle would take place.

And a miracle sure would’ve changed things and made a lot of things easier and better. A miracle would’ve meant a renewed and harmonious marriage filled with great love, communication, laughter, and passionate sex. A miracle would’ve meant we’d be painting the bedroom and finishing the little house without arguing about it, and we’d peacefully be planning a cruise for this next year. A miracle would’ve meant harmony in our relationship without criticism and anger, and the two of us planning our happy future together…

But, that miracle never happened and here I am now – newly divorced living in my little overpriced apartment with my two plus-sized, but awfully cute cats. I’m transitioning into a new life that ranges from exciting to overwhelming and everything in between…

Just as I’m not sure where my life is headed at the moment, I’m equally unsure about exactly where this blog may be headed. However, I’m resisting the desire for perfectionism and full outlines and really trying to just listen to that inner voice in me and begin…because I feel I’m supposed to do this. I’m going to let it evolve organically as it should. Today I am launching this blog as a part of launching a new phase in my life and my new year. Or as my friend Nikki says, “leaping to the next lily pad..” (and I sure hope it appears…)

This blog is a leap.

Or maybe it’s a leap within a leap.

When I first got this blog idea, I started calling it my divorce blog. It’s not really a blog all about “divorce,” though. It’s really this desire to write more about my journey back to myself since the big D was finalized a few months ago. This is part my journal, my story, my journey, my observations and my experiences within and beyond my marriage…

I am already learning in all of this uncertainty (life and blog) that I’m not alone in my range of feelings, emotions and experiences as a divorcee and newly single woman. Many women experience the same emotions and challenges, and the same highs and lows. They’re just dressed up with different outfits and characters…

…And this is what I want to explore. Maybe in finding myself again, I will help others. In asking tough questions, being vulnerable, or just acting ridiculous sometimes, I will give others personal power. In laughing louder and more easily, I will release all sorts of yucky things lurking on the inside. Single or not, I’m not really alone.

I am learning that divorce can be a time to test boundaries and beliefs and embrace the woman I abandoned years ago or discover the one I don’t even know yet. Or maybe it’s a little of both…

Divorce isn’t just a letting go, but it can mean growth and the emergence into ourselves; at least this is what I’m discovering…

…and maybe this whole new experience is part of a miracle that I just don’t recognize yet…

I can promise you that this blog will be a ‘ramblin’ mess at times, which you may have already noticed. (Hence the name of the blog, which I find rather amusing. And yes, I realize I may be amused all by myself.) My wish, however, is that it may be at times both entertaining and insightful to and for others, and even provide a few “ah-ha” moments or “me, toos” for myself and whomever may be reading. And sometimes it may just be something I have to get off of my chest…

And in all of this, it really is my desire that all women, as well as myself, open up to their own truth and start living a passionate, unapologetic life full of experiences that bring joy, joy, joy!

So here’s to new leaps and landings on the lily pads of life… and maybe some real miracles along the way.

Thank you for leaping with me.

‘til next time,

Brooke Stewart

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