Today’s been sort of a strange and emotional day.
My friend Ros thinks I’m going through some grieving today. And I think she’s probably right.
It was last summer when I moved out of the house and it’s been several months since the divorce was final. I’ve been doing well, for the most part. Really. I’ve been having fun with friends. I’ve had some new experiences and have met some new people. I’ve joked that I’m acting like I’m in my 20s with some of the late nights and a few too many cocktails on several occasions. I’m not saying I didn’t go through some emotional typhoons, but the last few months really have been pretty good. I’m laughing a lot and enjoying myself and I’m figuring some things out about myself, which is good. Of course, there have been some interesting experiences and sticky situations that have created some other emotional roller coasters, but that’s juicy stuff for other blogs I haven’t yet written. 🙂
But, I digress… back to today…
Today I’ve felt the loss heavier than I have in awhile. My thoughts have been all over the place and I couldn’t get focused. I’m thinking that all of my laughing and going out and my adventures have been a distraction…maybe a healthy distraction and a release in some ways, but it’s prevented the deeper emotional healing in another.
Maybe I’ve been avoiding feeling “too much” of the weight of things and today it was time for stuff to surface…
I don’t admit this to too many people, and even my close friends probably don’t even know this, but I don’t like showing my emotions very much. I mean…the ones that hurt. The deep down “I’m not feeling very good and I’m feeling like a loser today” emotions. The ones that are telling you that you need someone to lean on, but you don’t want to burden anyone. The emotions that appear to show a weakness. Now – I’m not consciously thinking that when I’m feeling this stuff, but this is a realization I’ve had. I don’t like showing that I don’t have my shit together. There were even months during my marriage when it was the worst, but I shared and confided in others the least. I didn’t even go out one night when a college girlfriend of mine was in town for just a day because I didn’t think I could pretend enough that things were fine and I didn’t want to get in a long conversation about it. I thought I could handle my stuff just fine… (I don’t recommend isolating yourself when you’re going through some challenges…but that’s a topic for another time, too.)
And today I don’t feel like I have much of my shit together either. How did I get here?
As a young girl growing up, I NEVER had the thought that I would be divorced someday. Well, I guess who does? No one does. My parents are still married. My grandparents were married for a zillion years. I never thought that I would be nearly 40 (CHOKE) and divorced and wondering what the rest of my life is going to be like…starting a new chapter…
New chapter or not…today I was asking “why” and “what if…” again… I never thought I’d be here…
I’m still not totally comfortable telling people I’m divorced.
Today I found myself still wishing things could be different between my x-husband and me. I wish we’d get each other. I wish he’d be happier. I wish I could help him. I still love him. I wish we were each other’s end all and be all…
But we’re not.
And tonight I actually feel lonely. And I promise you that I don’t feel lonely easily or often. My X traveled a lot and I am one who can be very content by myself and never feels bored even being at home because to me, there is always something to read or do or learn or watch or listen to or play. And honestly, even when he was home, I was often alone emotionally.
Now, I know it’s really all good. Really. It’s all in the attitude. So, I know this is just a transitioning point in my life and I can choose to let it be a cool adventure…and a lot has been so far. But, there are wounds in my heart I thought had healed, but they’re still oozing a little bit. I guess I simply put some temporary bandages on a few months ago and a first aid treatment that prevented any major infections…but attention is still needed.
And I guess that attention still comes back to self-love and forgiveness. As Ros told me today. “You’re doing better than what you give yourself credit for in all of this,” she said, “be gentle on yourself. You’re going to have a grieving process.”
Well I don’t like it. I would like to just wave a wand or wiggle my nose and “poof”…all would be well and all of my wishes would come true. And Jack’s, too. And of course, I would live happily ever after. Ok… I’m not in Disneyland, but I can fantasize sometimes.
And even as I write that, I don’t TOTALLY mean it. I understand that all of this is growth and I’m learning and expanding. I’m sure in a year or two I’ll have an even better perspective on things and say THANK YOU for the experience because it’s now brought me to where I am today….
Today I can say that intellectually, but I don’t feel it emotionally. It just feels kinda yucky right now.
I never thought I’d be divorced, but I am. And today/tonight may just be a time to grieve. The feelings had to come back to the surface to be identified and released. A few more tears may help the process along and wash more of that gunk away…
And of course, a few glasses of wine might help, too. At least in theory… 🙂
‘til next time,