I wasn’t expecting to be crying today. I’m contributing a part of it to PMS. I mean, that has to be the reason because I shouldn’t be feeling weepy and sad. It’s INDEPENDENCE DAY, right? We’re celebrating FREEDOM!!!
I should be celebrating freedom. It’s a year ago that I became independent from my husband and moved out of our house. It wasn’t an easy decision, nor has it been an easy transition. However, in the last year my life has changed drastically for the better – great apartment, I’m writing more again and doing things I enjoy, my job is going well, and yes, I’ve fallen in love with an amazing man.
So, why the blah attitude and the tears today?
For some reason, all the yucky negative self-talk started in my head about my marriage and getting divorced…
“You know you are the one who failed in the marriage.”
“Maybe you didn’t try hard enough.”
“You’re with an amazing person right now, but what if you screw that up, too.”
“You laugh a lot more and life is pretty fun, but maybe you should’ve done what made your parents happy and stay married like a good girl.”
“He didn’t talk kindly to you, but maybe you aggravated him too much.”
“You know he tells people it was all your fault.”
“What if I screw up again?”
How ridiculous is all this CRAP????? I mean…RIDICULOUS!!
Jack and I can actually talk now. Believe it or not we have even done some recording in the studio together since the divorce. (I’m a big believer that this has been possible only because of forgiveness.”) I go over and check on his dog when he’s out of town, and he’s been over here to feed the kitties. We’re civil and can talk, but today when we talked I got off the phone, I just felt sad.
On a conscious level I KNOW I’m in a great space now, yet these old beliefs are tricky and sly. They like to surface just when life is going better and things are going great. They are very powerful and want us to question what we KNOW is good.
And if we’re not careful, we can sabotage the good we have created…because maybe, just maybe…we don’t believe we deserve that good…
I had the thought that “maybe I should break up with Mr. Wonderful so I can get my shit together. Maybe I haven’t done enough healing yet…”
THANK GOD I’m aware enough to know what I’m doing here… Are you kidding? I have found the love of my life…
But obviously, I still have some healing to do.
And that’s okay. It’s okay to admit I still have some layers of forgiveness or love to work on, but it’s not okay to go backwards.
And don’t we do that so often? Don’t we revert to our old programming?
Many of us do this sort of thing. It’s not just in relationships, but in career opportunities, following our dreams, in seizing the moment… right?
I believe everything in life comes back to self-love and self-worth. Really. I do. And I can say that from personal experience.
And if we all loved ourselves more, we’d sure be kinder to ourselves and one another. We’d encourage and nurture ourselves and others. We’d make better decisions…we’d grow, expand and just be happier!
I thought I had done all the inner work and was now in the “I’m thankful for my marriage because I’ve learned and grown so much and I’m the person I am today because of some of those experiences.”
Most days I believe that. Some days that’s just bullshit, though. I know it.
Some days rising above and being so evolved doesn’t work so well.
Don’t we all do that with things? We FINALLY move forward with a decision that is a positive step, and we question and doubt it?
But here’s what I’ve learned. The more I work and grow and become the ME I know I can be, then I can have moments of crashing, but still be aware of what I’m doing…and realize that it’s a passing wave of false emotion and maybe I need to dig deeper…
Well, I think it’s the universe testing us…testing me a bit. It’s asking if I REALLY mean what I say. Am I going to DO what I say? Am I in my integrity? It shows me that maybe I do need to step back again and think about why I made the decision, and reinforce the good around me and what I want in my life.
I may have left my unhealthy marriage and became “independent” a year ago, but real freedom and independence comes when we continue to make choices and take actions that resonate with who we really are and where we really want to go. I believe real freedom comes when you love yourself enough and move into who you really are… it’s being real and vulnerable and, as a good friend of mine likes to say…it’s when you “stop giving a shit” about anyone else. That’s NOT saying you don’t love or care for other people or you don’t have compassion, but you realize that some healthy selfishness leads to a healthier and happier life.
(I should note that I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the power of the subconscious mind and if we are stuck in old patterns, which most of us are – it’s likely that we have to create new beliefs that speak directly to our subconscious. The easiest way to do this is through hypnosis and Psych-K. I’ve experienced great results with both of them.)
I’ve come a long way, baby, but I’m going to keep growing. And really, when I step back and see where I’ve come from, it’s exciting.
I deserve a life of love and happiness. And so do you.
Today I wish you your own independence from whatever weighs you down and keeps you from shining your light. I believe you, too, can find freedom to live the life you deserve!
Let freedom ring!